Subject:      BC3K FAQ Released!
From:         ncl@philabs.research.philips.com (Nai-Chi Lee)
Date:         1997/08/12
Message-Id:   <5sqflf$jju@condor.philabs.research.philips.com>
Newsgroups:   comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic



                   BC3K Frequently-Asked-Questions
                   ===============================
                     Version 1.03 Patch D Fix 5
                        -- PREVIEW COPY --

                 (c) 1997, Nai-Chi Lee @ PhD Anonymous
               All rights reserved. All wrongs preserved.

            This FAQ was produced using 50% recycled material
         No animals except humans were used during the production

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is BC3K?
A. BC3K is an unique network-playable game.  You can play it from almost
   any hardware platform: IBM PC, Mac, Sun, Apollo, even a text terminal.
   Hundreds or even thousands of people are playing this game everday --
   and loving it!  Best of all, you don't have to purchase anything.  As
   long as you have access to comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic or
   alt.games.bc3k, you can participate in this game.  That's why BC3K is
   also known as "The most entertaining game you *never* buy".

Q. Sounds great, how do I start to play this game?
A. As a newcomer, all you have to do is post in this news group a simple
   question like what you just did, such as: "What is BC3K".  Within
   hours, if not minutes, powerful armies will gather from all over the
   world to participate in another round of spectacular display of
   fireworks.

Q. What "armies" are you talking about?
A. Like in any epic saga, there are two opposing armies involved.  On
   one side, we have Super Genius Dr. Derek Smart, self proclaimed
   Supreme Commander of GalCom, and his army of fanatic supporters.  On
   the other side, we have an unorganized band of rebels collectively
   known as "detractors".  The rebels have no centralized command and
   control, although they managed to pull off some very effective
   guerilla warfare against GalCom.

Q. So this is just like in Star Wars, where rebel fighters challenge
   the evil dark Emperor, right?
A. Yes, except that in this case, Emperor Smart represents the "bright"
   side of the force.

Q. Shouldn't it be the "light" side of the Force?
A. Don't be silly, we are talking about the force with a lower-case F.

Q. Uh, whatever.  So when are the fireworks going to start?
A. Well, either someone from the bright side comes out first and praises
   THE GAME as "The Last Thing You'll Ever Desire", or someone from the
   dark side comes up first and claims THE GAME is a complete piece of
   crap.  In any case, this will always lead to the Internet version
   of fireworks -- also know as "flaming".

Q. Can you first tell me about this thing called THE GAME?
A. Back in October 1996, Take-2 released a game called "Battlecrusier
   3000 A.D. - A Derek Smart Simulation".  To make a long story short,
   I should just quote the words of T.Liam McDonald in BOOT magazine:
     "Battlecruiser 3000 AD went straight from long, troubled
      development to being the most unplayable title ever released."
   In fact, the game bombed so badly that it never even entered JoJo's
   Internet Top-100 list.

Q. But crappy games are released every month. So what's the problem?
A. The problem is not with THE GAME.  The problem is with THE MAN.
   For many years, Derek Smart, PhD, has been using the Internet to
   spawn numerous hypes about himself and his game.  Derek repeatedly
   claims that BC3K will be "The Last Game You'll Ever Desire", and
   that the game is almost done except for the manual.  Ads for BC3K
   appeared in magazines as early as 1993, but the game did not come
   out until October 1996, and it was still buggy and without a manual.
   Naturally, BC3K became the longest-running vaporware joke among
   Internet gamers, yet Derek Smart responded by creating more hype
   and by insulting anyone who dared to criticize his game.

Q. Insulting his potential customers?  Smart, very Smart.
A. You do the questions, I'll do the wise remarks.

Q. So why are we still talking about BC3K if THE GAME is a piece of
   crap?
A. You still don't get it, do you?  Most participants here care nothing
   about the solo version of BC3K.  The fun is in the networked version,
   which is also know as "Derek-baiting", "Derek-bashing" or "kicking a
   dead Derek".  Remember, this is not about THE GAME.  It is always
   about THE MAN.

Q. Suppose I really want to learn more about THE GAME, then what?
A. Don't bother asking here.  It is common knowledge that THE GAME, in
   its initial release, is a piece of you-know-what.  Therefore no self-
   respected Internet gamer will post here to discuss it.  You should go
   to Derek Smart's private site, www.3000ad.com, instead.  There you
   will find people singing praises about THE GAME, such as "this great
   game you must play with your heart not with your computer".  You may
   also attend BC3K group-help sessions, where Commander Q.Troung will
   tell you something like
     "Repeat after me:
        We have the right to buy and keep this game...
        We are not stupid...
        Great things will come about from Derek... "

Q. Okay, what if I want to join the Dark side as a detractor?
A. Good choice!  You will be fighting the evil GalCom along side with
   famous detractors such as Mark Asher, Fthx, Stuart Park, Jonathan
   Normington, Bill Huffman, ToR, to name just a few.  Unfortunately,
   some old comrades like Commander Krud and Mr.Woody have already
   retired from the battle field.  But of course war is hell, so
   casualties are expected.

Q. What should I do as a detractor?
A. Easy, all you have to do is press DS's button and watch him jump.
   A simple message like "Hey Derek, your game SUX!", or a friendly
   reminder like "Where's the manual?" is enough to get DS to blow up
   and come charging at you with a flame-thrower.

Q. What is it like to be flamed by Derek Smart?
A. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy from the inside.  The good thing
   about DS is that he is generally quite predictable.  Typically, DS
   will call you, a detractor recruit, by generic terms such as "idiot"
   or "moron".  If you survived the initial trial by fire, he will
   start to get more personal with you by calling you names like
   "sh*thead" or "motherf__ker"....

Q. Wait, this is supposed to be _fun_?
A. It's all part of the game, really.  As far as DS is concerned, if
   you don't like THE GAME, then you are an IDIOT.  It's that simple.
   Nobody here should take anything DS said seriously anyway.  Remember,
   "it is not _what_ you says, but _how_ you say it".  As long as you
   don't take it personally, DS can be a very funny guy.  Just think
   of him as that Wiley Coyote character in Road Runner cartoons, then
   you can sit back, smile, and watch Mr. Super Genius blows himself up
   again and again.

Q. Okay, so what comes next?
A. Once you earned your veteran status, DS will probably continue to
   threaten you with various forms of physical and sexual violence.
   Sometimes the threats overflow to your family members as well.  If
   you really gets under DS's skin, he may even start to insult your
   whole ethnic group.

Q. Wait, is Derek Smart a racist?
A. There have been occasions where DS used racial insults toward people
   with oriental-sounding names.  But on the other hand, one of his
   most vocal supporter goes by the last name "Fong" and can hardly
   write a complete sentence in English.  So apparently DS does not
   discriminate based on race alone.

Q. But does he discriminate based on gender?
A. Well, let's see... He divorced his wife, he addressed JoJo as a
   "bitch" in two postings, he called Mark Asher's eight-year-old
   daughter a "dumb ass", and he also threatened to make Jonathan
   Normington's mother a "casualty of war"...  But then again, he has
   said far worse things towards other male detractors, and here is
   rumor that S.Fong is actually Sister Fong, so we cannot call DS a
   women-hater either.

Q. Does Derek Smart have _any_ redeeming personality, like kindness
   towards animals or something like that?
A. Yes!  Definitely.  Derek Smart is fond of sheeps.

Q. What if I want to join the Bright side?
A. Equally good choice.  You'll be in good company with loyal, well-
   disciplined GalCom commanders like S.Fong, IronMan, Joe Ballinger,
   Cleve Blakemore, WebBoy, and many others.  Together, you will be
   fighting to defend Supreme Commander's humongous ego against sneak
   attacks by those pesty detractors. 

Q. What reward do I get working for the Supreme Commander?
A. First of all, it is a comforting feeling knowing that you can say
   anything the Supreme Commander wants you to say.  Secondly, every
   time you say anything in support of DS or THE GAME, the Supreme
   Commander will personally ensure that you get twice the exposure,
   by reposting your whole message and add a line like "Well said"
   or "ROFLMAO" at the end.

Q. Can you explain what's this ROFLMAO stuff?
A. "Roll On Floor Licking Myself An Orgasm".  You see, the Supreme
   Commander has been under a lot of stress after his wife left...

Q. I'm sorry that I asked.  What if I decide to switch side later on?
A. No problem.  Both sides of the force are very forgiving.  There have
   been many cases where people such as David Potter and Dean Robb
   started from the Bright side and defected to the Dark side.  There
   is at least one case where someone named Bishop Of Battle went the
   opposite direction.  And there is even a case where someone named
   Eric Pinnell switched sides more than once.

Q. Did anyone ever get hurt playing this game?
A. Only some people's pride and ego.  It is true that DS has threatened
   his detractors with physical violence multiple times, stuffs like
   breaking their ribs in a dark alley and so on.  However, so far the
   only recorded case where deadly force was used involves Derek and a
   Coke machine at Take-2 headquarter last summer.

Q. Are you saying that Derek Smart attacked a defenseless Coke machine?
A. Hey, that Coke machine was nearly 7 feet tall and weights over 300
   pounds.

Q. Is there any other risk involved in flaming Derek?
A. Well, DS also likes to use sexually explicit words against his
   detractors.  But to date no pregnancy has been reported.  Apparently
   his BARK is better than his F... uh, never mind.

Q. Should I worry about catching virus through the network by playing
   this game?
A. Unfortunately, yes.  There have been several observed cases of
   Acquired Internet Derek Symptom.  In those cases, highly educated
   persons who may be mild-tempered in real life suddenly "went Derek"
   for no reason.  Typical symptoms include uncontrollable rage,
   outburst of incoherent ranting about social injustice, and use of
   sexually explicit insults towards by-standers.  Initially, this
   A.I.D.S. virus was restricted to DS and a few of his closest
   supporters.  But now it may be spreading into the general Internet
   community.

Q. Oh come on, AIDS through the Internet? Surely you can't be serious!
A. What?  You thinks I'm making this up?  Some have questioned my
   insanity but I never have any doubt!  I spent 3.5 millions on this
   piece of crap and I'm not getting a penny from it!  Take-2 did not
   and cannot fire me, only I can fired myself!  And you know what?
   F__K you! 

Q. Hey!  I got the message.  I think you can stop now.
A. Who the F__K cares what you think?  I can type faster than you can
   think.  That's how superior fingers work.  Some are born to WIN,
   others are born to DOS, and I'm born too early because even my own
   mother couldn't hold me back!  Get outta my face punk ass mother-
   f__ker!  I'll shove your head so far up your ass you'll smell the
   mousse of your hair...

Q. Stop it! Snap out of it! <*SLAP*>
A. ...Thanks, I _needed_ that...

Q. Is there a proper way to end this FAQ?
A. Yes.  If you agree that this FAQ is indeed "The Last FAQ You'll Ever
   Desire", send $9.99 to:

	PhD Anonymous
	c/o Florida State Mental Institute
	Miami Beach, Florida 33139
	U.S.A

Q. What's with this PhD stuff?
A. "Please help Derek".  We are all here to help Derek Smart to get
   some attention he needs.

Q. Come to think about it, this is _NOT_ the best FAQ I have ever read.
A. I refuse to answer that, on the ground that it is not a question.

Q. All right, _why_ is this FAQ no where as good as those written by,
   for example, Roger Wong?
A. It is an insult to compare Roger Wong's FAQs to my masterpiece.
   Apples and Oranges.  Besides, what you see right here is only a
   PREVIEW copy.  The final version in HTML format, with links to tons
   of GIF, AVI and MP3 files, will be uploaded this coming weekend.
   I give you my personal guarantee on it!

Q. Do you need another slap?
A. Yes, please.